oh..THAT explains it

i've never really been sure why my self esteem is so low. it always has been - my mum tells me tales of when i was 8 years old and came home from school asking why it was i was so ugly and useless. that's 8 years ago, half my lifespan ago. ouch.

i know why it is so low from then, my classmates weren't exactly the kindest of people. but it still didn't get any higher in secondary school. even when i began to like what i see in the mirror it still was low, which made no sense. however it makes sense now.

when things happen that we can't understand we have to attach a meaning of some sort to it. because i'd struggled making friends in primary school, and then didn't have a boyfriend or even anyone interested in me until i was 16 i attached to it the idea that it was because i was ugly.

that doesn't mean i was/am ugly. just that i'd decided i would have to be for that to have happened. but then why even though now i have good friends and an awesome boyfriend is it still low? because even though things are changed i still have that belief. it's still attached, that those things happened BECAUSE of that. do you see? i don't know. i don't really see, and i don't know how i can make it go away. but it's an explanation i guess.