i just awoke from a dream in which i was diagnose with cancer.

my dreams are really vivid and i have trouble distinguishing dreams from waking life. i truly thought for a few minutes when i awoke that i had been diagnosed by cancer. and i was terrified. the most scared i'd ever felt in my life. i just burst into tears.

and then i realised..

we spend so much time thinking and worrying. worrying about what people think, worrying about if we're different, worrying about how we look. and for WHAT? if you were going to die in five months how much would you really care about all that stuff? i'm thinking not much, i'm thinking you would regret spending so much time getting torn up over small, insignificant things. they may not seem that way at the time, but compared some huge, earth shattering, heart breaking news then they would.

which is why i'm going to start LIVING my life. not just living it, but living it for ME. i don't know how long that's going to take, because i might forget all about it as soon as something i believe in is challenged but you know what, i'm gonna do my damnedest. i'm also going to apologise to people who i feel i need to and make my peace with people. that includes my dad.

i suddenly know what i'm going to do. and i feel so much better for it.

i don't know what to do about the normal person i don't know what to do about though. because you see if i actually did have only five months to live i would probably have a little more gay abandon than i do knowing i have more than five months proving i'm sensible.

but everything else. sometimes we don't need to use our sadistic imaginations to twist simple situations to spark off a strong emotion to remind us we can still feel. because happiness is an emotion and it's the best emotion there is. and it's a choice as well.

remember that.